Tag Archives: Katherine Wolf

“Mom, what makes me special?”


#2 Cherub came home from her first day of 7th grade yesterday and asked, “What makes me special?” I thought this might be a preface to her upcoming birthday, but it was homework, a getting-to-know-you worksheet from one of her teachers.  (The worksheet also required her to calculate how many days she’s been alive. As she scribbled the numbers out on a piece of scrap paper, I resisted the urge to say, “Sweetie, what makes you special is that you’re doing that math by hand right now rather than grabbing a calculator…”)

These sort of worksheets are a minefield for kids with unorthodox histories. For example, another question asked “Are you the oldest, middle, or youngest child in your family?” #2 is the youngest in our household, but has two younger brothers who live elsewhere. Trying to help, I asked, “Which feels more true for you in your daily life – that you’re the youngest or in the middle?” to which she replied with a smile, “I always feel like the oldest, but we won’t go there…”

Hilarious. And true.

Another worksheet asked her to create a timeline of important events in the life of one of her parents (“or someone important in your life”) in the 5 years before her birth. I was like, “Well, I fled from an abusive marriage, worked for a new age guru, and lived under an assumed name…” !?!?!?! Lord have mercy if this little timeline project ever became something she had to stand up and explain to the class.  Ultimately, we used meaningless neutral statements such as, “In 2001, my mom moved back to New England…”

Then she faced the same question about herself – what were the important events in her life? I was like, “Oh honey, you should THROW DOWN on this one. You list the things you’ve been through and YOU WIN this little timeline contest.” I was a bit salty at this point. We’re in the FIRST DAY of school. It’s a little early for this level of parsing to be required.

THIS DOG needed a walk, so I said that I’d think about all these questions as I looped the block. But the answer was clear: the most special thing about my kids is the lives they’ve lived in the midst of their complicated timelines. The amount they’ve overcome is staggering.

I want her teachers to know this about her. That while she has the ability to blend in, and pretend that the most special thing about her is her artistic skill or her beautiful singing voice, undergirding all of that is the truth that this kid is tough as nails.

The Cherubs have the capacity to to appear completely normal. Which is their dream in life right now. Of course, the thing messing up their plan is that when people see Steve & me, the jig is up; it’s apparent that they’re adopted. In this way, Steve & I are a burden to our children, as well as a blessing. That’s hard for them…and for us.

But when I read something like this, from Hope Heals author Katherine Wolf, I wonder if it might all be part of the plan:

“Maybe in our limitations those we love can find a new way to flourish, not in spite of their constraints but because of them. And their imaginations get baptized into a new way of seeing themselves, and the world, and us. And maybe ours can, too. And in the places where there are scars and losses and holes from what used to be, something new and wonderful can start to grow…”

Ultimately, #2 opted for privacy. Her timeline lists things like, “In 2015 I got my first dog!” I don’t blame her. Bergie is a pretty fantastic addition to any timeline she lumbers through. But it’s all another reminder that our story is different, and doesn’t lend itself to easy explanations. Which is hard at any age, but doubly so when you’re a teen.

I appreciate this Modern Love piece by Tova Mirvis. It’s about helping her son navigate her divorce, and the reality that while his father still practices Orthodox Judaism, she no longer does. At one poignant moment, when her son asks her if she’ll love him if he makes different choices than hers down the road, she says, “You don’t have to match the people you love…”

I feel like that’s the banner over our family. We don’t match on the outside. Our timelines aren’t one single line, but four wild zigging zagging scribbles that intersected and began to zig and zag together. But as the weeks and months and years go by, we match more and more on the inside. We’re on a path together. People can’t see it, but it’s there, and I trust it.  And I’m learning to live into the truth that what makes you special isn’t something you can sum up on a seventh grade worksheet.



Notes From The Couch

couch_potato_2047052Yesterday was one of those strange days you sometimes get when you have a cold. There was nothing on my schedule that couldn’t be moved, so I spent most of my hours on the couch to give my body optimal circumstances in which to fight off germs (which I picture as all the relatives of the disgusting creature in the Mucinex commercial).

-I read most of a novel I would not have stuck with otherwise.

-I watched a twenty-five minute video on why five men became Jesuit priests.

-I discovered this inspiring blog by a woman about the process of learning to live again after she had a stroke when she was twenty-six.

It was a weird day of observing other people making choices about their lives on a day my life was sidelined  for repairs. And it was a blast.

The priest video floored me. I know it’s a publicity piece designed to attract new candidates to the priesthood  (the Catholic version of the Army’s Be All That You Can Be) but it’s good. Watching these men reflect on their unusual life paths was so fascinating… by the end, I was practically ready to join.

Two things stood out: One priest said that he knew the novitiate was right for him because “Even though they didn’t do things the way I would have done them, and I didn’t really fit in – I was more intellectual and analytical, whereas they were more hands-on and had all these experiences – I felt this peace. I was at home there, and I was wanted.”  That captures Christian community perfectly. When it’s going well, that’s what it feels like. Not like you’re wanted in a general way, as one more wave in the sea of humanity. Feeling at home in a place means that you’re wanted personally, for what you bring and who you are. That’s powerful, and this priest articulated this so well. It didn’t make me want his life, so much as a life that feels like his, if that makes sense.

The second thing was the priest who said something to the effect of, “My grandma called me selfish for becoming a priest. But it’s not selfish to follow the desires of your heart. Jesus followed the desire of his heart. He didn’t do what people expected. But he knew what he was there to do.”  Interesting stuff to think about.

And the blog posts by Katherine Wolf, the woman recovering from a stroke? It just felt good to be in the presence of someone who has been through something unthinkably bad and is creating some narrative order out of the chaos.  I think that’s what I’m looking for in the books and blogs and articles I read now, people of faith who have been through (or are in) unthinkable situations, who offer evidence that God sorts it out. I can’t reconcile what I see happening with the promises I see in the Bible. But maybe that’s not my job. It was good to be reminded of that, and enjoy glimpses of a way forward.

Today, I’m feeling a bit better. God willing, there will be less internet surfing and more cogent words on the page. And yet I’m so grateful for yesterday’s respite, and a chance to look at life from some unexpected angles.