I’m starting a new business.

THIS DOG sheds. Every other day I vacuum up the equivalent of a chubby maltese. Today as I hunted and gathered handful after handful of abandoned fur, I thought of all my friends who would just love to have a dog, but can’t. Then I had an Oprah-esque, a-hah! moment and (like Oprah) realized that I had the answer to the problems of the world!

Introducing my new business: Fur Friends With Benefits! All the ambiance of a pet without the pesky commitment!

Here’s how it works:

For a nominal fee, subscribers will be sent a weekly bag of freshly-shed fur (available in an array of sizes depending on what size dog you’d like to pretend to have). Each delightful pile of fuzz provides oddles of opportunities to partake in the dog-ownership experience WITHOUT having to deal with walks, poop, or trips to the vet!

Ideas for use include:

-Spread the white fur over your dark carpet then TRY to vacuum it all up!

-Let it waft across your kitchen and embed itself in casseroles, drinks and salads!

-Tell it to sit, stay, or even roll over…then enjoy the fun as it ignores you!

Friends, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to experience dog ownership without the actual dog.

PERFECT for commitment-phobes! You can name your Fur Friend, love it for just a few days (or even just a few hours) and then THROW IT AWAY without guilt or remorse! You can leave it home alone for DAYS at a time! It’s the ideal solution for dog lovers who fear permanency, intimacy, or responsibility!  Now is the chance to get that “Wow, you must have a dog!” smell throughout your house at a low introductory cost. Really, it’s an investment!

Lines are open now, so call right away!  The first 20 callers WILL ALSO RECEIVE a small dog toy, at NO EXTRA CHARGE! Know what it’s like to toss a squeaking piece of rubber across your home while squealing, “Go get it puppy! Go get your toy!” with no discernible reaction from your pet!

Operators are standing by!

:)